This has to be one of my favourite verses of all. It is so much so for the thoughts that I am about to write that I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I took some time this morning to really process some things and as I was sitting outside on my front porch I watched the little birds out in our front pasture fly and scurry around. I was reminded again of this verse and how much significance it has and means to me. As I watched them, thoughts began to flood to mind and this is what I wrote:

As I sit here and watch the birds I am reminded, that every morning they are provided for. Every morning they have food, a place to live, freedom to roam in our yards, the air. They are blessed. I love in Matt how it is written that how much more value we have than them to You. If God puts so much detail in to providing for “the birds” – they have an endless buffet to eat at; their’s till their hart is content – If God can put so much time and effort in to providing for every single tiny and big bird on this planet, don’t you think he would do that much more for his people? His people whom we risked his only son for? His people whom he has not forgotten but thinks about them CONSTANTLY!  Don’t you know that he already has done that much more for you and I? He has carefully ordained every single day so that you will have the specifics of what you need to accomplish what needs to be accomplished that day. He has already prepared the way. Those birds do not fret, do not worry, do not complain to one another about how they have so little or how the birds’ next door nests look better than theirs. They seek and they find. They wait and are ready for the harvest when it comes. They are expectant of what their maker provides for them daily. They do not groan, they do not find a corner and get depressed in because they have not. They are thankful for what comes. I will not waste my life worrying about what’s next or how its going to work out. My God is greater, stronger, You are HIGHER than any other. You are healer, awesome in power, my God. I trust you. I am confident in you who works all things for our good in time. I know you are for me. You have faithfully shown me time and time again. My trust is in Him. Not in man. Man cannot provide for me. Man cannot give me the essentials that I need daily. He will fail to be consistent and faithful. But not my God. My God has been and will always be faithful to the end. He is pure and without fault. I do not view trust with  my God the way trust is with man. We are fallen and broken people therefore our words are fallen and broken words. We will fail every time to deliver a promise held at someone’s specific expectation. Thankfully, God overrules all expectations and promises made by man. HE is above it all. That is why my trust with him is secure because He will never fail to deliver. He is faithful.

So many of us have found ourselves in at least one of these words. The word broken has such a heavy meaning to it. Every word described hurts with brokenness. I don’t know why but I am troubled by this thought of being broken. It is a painful paradox. In order to grow, to move forward, truly, we have to be broken in some way. Broken thought pattern, broken actions, broken physically, emotionally, spiritually. We have to come apart in order to be put back together in a better way than what we were before. Some of us never allow ourselves to be put back together. We become full of pride and build walls around our brokenness not letting anyone come in or see how bad we are truly hurting. We carry on in our broken state becoming more and more broken and more and more in pain, hurting everyone around us. We are like Midas with the golden touch instead, we have the hurtful touch. What is it that helps us change from our broken ways? Humbleness? Obedience? A death to self? I have found in my brokenness that I can fight all I want and build up my walls, but I will never win. I will become bitter, ugly to the core, selfish. I will never change unless I give up my hurt, my pain, the ruptured fragmented way of me. And when I do, the change is so radical that it frightens me yet excites me for who I could become. I trade my ugly broken self for someone who is beautifully restored, put back together. The old self becomes a blur in time and I continue to move forward into the person I was made to be all along.

There is more to life than wasting it on our hurt broken self. It is not an easy thing to get over, to change, but it is one that we should change and move on from. Myself does not deserve pity or wallowing. I will build myself a grave if I stay in that mindset. You are missing out on who you could be if you decide to stay in that mindset. There is so much more of yourself that you don’t even know because you sit and waste time over your brokenness which you have already been restored from.

These are just some thoughts that I had that I needed to write out.

Know that He loves you through your brokenness and will see you to the end of it. He will never give up on you. He is faithful.

“Daddy don’t cry, it’ll be alright”
She puts some water on the wound
And hums a little tune
While her courage puddles on the ground
Pooling, pooling

See the murder and the swarm descend
And the night is getting thick
The moon telling her tricks
She’d betray her every time

It was the year
The crows and the locusts came
The fields drained dry the rain
The fields are bleeding

It was the age
The foxes came for the fields
We were bleeding as we bowed to kneel
And prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy

The rumble is low and the heat is high
Got a feeling that there’s rain out in the oil black sky
Gonna chase away the devil when that sun does rise
Gonna plead the blood
Gonna plead the blood

It was the year
The crows and the locusts came
The fields drained dry the rain
The fields are bleeding

It was the age
The foxes came for the fields
We were bleeding as we bowed to kneel
And prayed for mercy, prayed for mercy

She limps on up to the top of a mount
Looks at the faltered harvest
Feels her sweat in the ground and the burn in her nose
And the knowing in her guts
Something’s still gonna grow
She ain’t leaving ’till it does.

What can wash away my sin
Nothing but the blood…
What can make me whole again
Nothing but the blood…

-BFrazer

Hope

Hope…..what is that anyways? We hear it all the time, in songs, TV, friends, family. In relationships, sickness….and even death. Its every where we look, throughout the entire nation. Our very lives depend upon it whether your realize it or not. Hope is something we hang onto when we’ve reached the worst and most painful times of our lives. IT’s something that keeps us from living in fear, something that tells us things are gonna get better. Throughout our entire lifetime we hope. “I hope that guy really likes me,” or “I hope I get that job I so desperately need.” ” I hope mom and dad don’t get a divorce.” “I hope, no i pray dad doesn’t beat me again.” “I hope my best friend doesn’t die.” Webster’s definition says, hope is just a feeling that what is wanted, will happen. I think that hope is what gets up up int he morning, what helps us live each day. Hope lets us look forward to starting over completely refreshed. Hope builds confidence in others and ourselves. Hope gives us a reason to believe that there’s more to life than what this world has to offer. Can people really live without believing in something? We all have different values and morals that help shape and mold who we are. Without them we wouldn’t know what to turn to. Its just something to think about. Something to keep in mind when desperate times call for desperate measures. So I just want to ask this one question, what’s your reason for having hope?

At first when I read this I just laughed…..at myself. Its immature in some ways but at the same time its amazing to see how much ive grown in my thoughts and in my writing….

just thought id share….remember i wrote that in the 9th grade!

Feelings emerge of not belonging anymore, not fitting in anymore, time to move on.

Even in the quite times where you are alone and there is time to think, its hard to be at peace. Mind is constantly racing, thoughts of good things and bad.

What does real rest look like? Being fully refreshed, able to breathe with no hesitation. New life seems so far away, a new place, a new pair of eyes.

I feel so crowded even in my own thoughts.

I am aching for a place to get away, to really rest, to not wake up within the night, with pain, with tired eyes. I am desperately wanting a drink of water that will satisfy every part of me.

I want him. I need him.

He is what gives breath to my lungs. He provides for me daily. I need his embrace daily. I am nothing without him.

You’ll learn to know

You grow, you grow like tornado
You grow from the inside
Destroy everything through
Destroy from the inside
Erupt like volcano
You flow through the inside
You kill everything through
You kill from the inside

You’ll…
You’ll learn to know

I wonder if I’m allowed ever to see
I wonder if I’m allowed to ever be free

You sound so blue
You now are gloom

You’re now so blue
You now are gloom

I wonder if I’m allowed just ever to be

by: Jonsi

- the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else (as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest).

- something excellent of its kind.

I love that this definition says that beauty is a “quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind.” The fact that the mind determines what is beauty fascinates me. This means that beauty is not just defined by one thing. It is not just fashion, looks, the latest trends, hair colour, etc. Beauty is what I think is beautiful or what fascinates my mind, but this can be altered by what the world tells me to think beauty is. I have a choice to see beauty for what beauty is to me or what others say that beauty is. Do we actually take the time to see things that we think are beautiful? Or do we just follow what everyone else thinks and assume that something is beautiful because its highlighted by others opinions or the worlds’? Do we even think for ourselves anymore or do we just accept what other people say and assume ‘oh that must be true because everyone says it is or everyone is believing that?’ I refuse to believe something that I have not taken the time to educate myself on or gain knowledge about.

Where does beauty come from? Why does something or someone trigger our mind to believe that this thing or person carries the word “beauty”? For my mind to think that something is beautiful has to come from somewhere, a thought, an influence. Its not just soley what I believe is beauty. My understanding of what possess beauty is influenced from somewhere or something. I believe that true beauty is seen in its most natural state possible. A smile, a laugh, nature, honesty, tears, innocence in a child, embracing someone, just being there for someone, colours, a kiss, the wind, etc. All of these have something in common that make up the word beauty. God. These natural things reflect the one who carries beauty in his hand. He is all of this and above. These are just glimpses of Him. He is in a kiss, a smile, a laugh, the wind, nature, a child, tears, honesty. He is in everything. Fake beauty is faultered images of the true image. That’s why one is never satisfied with just one piece of clothing, one look, one hair style. Its materialistic beauty. Its a copy. These are things that are used to make up beauty, not to truly contain beauty. They are to “make” someone beautiful, when that person or thing already accomodates beauty. The fact that you are made by God, makes you an automatic holder of beauty because God is beauty. He is the author of beauty and you are his story.

Why do we forget this? Are we really so much apart of this world that we forget to recognise beauty in its true form? We won’t except beauty in its true form. Why can nature be beautiful but not you? Why can flowers have this awe about them but not you? Why don’t we allow ourselves to fit in to this category? Are we really that ignorant? Are we really so consumed by what other people think?

I don’t know. You decide how you want to live. You decide if you want this to cripple you and entangle your thinking or be set free by it. The only one who can truly define beauty is the one who made what is beautiful. This includes you.

Thank you doesn’t even cover the weight of gratitude that I feel. I can’t really express through words. My parents have always been there for me. Even in times where I really wanted them to go away and let me do things on my own, they were still there, watching from a distance. My parents have always supported me, helped me out in my darkest and hardest times. They have given me standards to live by that I have now come to understand why they make sense. They are wise and generous people. They are authentic in their motives and actions. They live out what they believe. They are faithful. They are trustworthy. They have so much love. I guess being in a different country has helped me come to realize what an ultimate blessing they are to my life. Some kids here have come to college, settled their life in a different country without their parents’ blessing, but trusting God that they are doing the right thing. I would be crushed if my parents were not for me in this journey, if they did not support my dream or passion. I honestly don’t know how some of these kids get by knowing that their parents could care less about what they are doing. It makes me stop and wonder, why God? Why did you bless me with 2 people who are sold out for Christ and sold out for their kid’s dreams? My heart swells. It makes me miss them even more. To know that they are for me every step of the way. They support me, not just financially, but me and the things I dream about. They encourage. They build up.

I guess I write to just  say thank you in the deepest way that I can. If you can feel my heart in these words then my message is clear. All I want to say is thank you. It has been a humbling experience to learn how to receive from your parents when they support your financially, after you have been supporting yourself so long. Naturally I feel that financial burden to take responsibility and support myself. Knowing that I haven’t been able to do so and knowing that I am exactly where I suppose to be, my parents have blessed me in more ways than they will ever know. I have had to stop myself and realize that God is using them to bless me and as hard as it has been, I am learning to receive and say thank you. Our natural response it to respond back by giving back, but sometimes we need to learn to just receive and soak in that blessing.

My heart loves you both so much and I am forever grateful for who you are and what you have done for me. You are so wonderful and I am so thankful that God has given you both to be my parents. There is no one else who could have done the job better. I apologize for my crazy rebellious teenage years and a few after that. I apologize for taking things for granted. You guys deserve so much more than what I have given you. I love you both so much. Thank you for everything that you are. You are my heros in a lot of ways. I appreciate you and everything you have done. Thank you thank you thank you.